"Can I bring someone?" and "Are kids invited?" are the two questions every host gets asked, whether it's a wedding, a big birthday or an anniversary party. They're also the two questions that cause the most awkwardness, mostly because hosts leave them vague and hope for the best.
The fix is simple: decide your rules early, apply them to everyone, and make the invitation say exactly what you mean. Here's how.
Decide your plus-one rule first
Don't decide plus-ones guest by guest. You'll end up with a list of exceptions nobody can explain. Instead, pick one rule. The most common ones are:
- Established couples only. Married, engaged or living together means invited together. Everyone else comes on their own.
- Plus-ones for guests who won't know anyone. Kind and practical. Nobody wants to spend six hours making small talk with strangers.
- Plus-ones for everyone. Generous, but it can add a lot of heads you've never met. Fine if budget and space allow.
- No plus-ones at all. Works well for smaller parties where everyone knows each other.
Whichever you choose, the important word is consistent. People can accept a rule they don't love. What upsets them is finding out the rule didn't apply to someone else.
The partners you've never met
A common sticking point is the new boyfriend or girlfriend. A fair test is time: if they've been together for a set period by the time invitations go out, they're in. Pick a cut-off that suits you and apply it to everyone. It's not about judging the relationship. It's about having a line you can point to.
Adults-only events
Choosing to have an adults-only wedding or party is completely reasonable. It might be about budget, the venue, the style of the evening, or simply wanting your guests to relax. You don't need to justify it, but you do need to be clear about it.
Middle-ground options work well too:
- Immediate family's children only — nieces, nephews, your own kids
- Children at the daytime, adults in the evening
- Babies in arms only, for parents who are feeding
- A minimum age, such as over-12s welcome
Again, consistency beats perfection. If you make an exception for one family, expect to be asked why you didn't make one for another.
Give parents plenty of notice. They may need to arrange childcare or travel, and a Save the Date that mentions it early is much kinder than a surprise on the invitation.
How to word it on the invitation
The single most effective thing you can do is address the invitation to exactly the people who are invited, by name. Most guests understand that the names on the envelope are the guest list.
- "Sarah Jones" means Sarah alone.
- "Sarah Jones and guest" means she can bring someone.
- "Sarah and Tom Jones" means the two of them, not the children.
- "The Jones family" means everyone in the household.
Not everyone reads the envelope carefully, so it helps to say it in the wording as well.
Wording for no plus-one
We've reserved one seat in your name and can't wait to celebrate with you.
Wording for adults-only
We love your little ones, but we've decided to make our day an adults-only celebration. We hope this gives you a well-earned night off!
Please note that our reception is for over-18s only.
Wording for children at the day, not the evening
Children are very welcome at the ceremony and afternoon celebrations. The evening party from 7pm is for adults only.
Wording for a party with plus-ones welcome
You're welcome to bring a partner or friend — just let us know their name when you reply so we can save them a place.
Keep it warm and short. A long apologetic paragraph makes it sound like a rule you're embarrassed about, which invites people to push back.
Put it in the FAQs too
If you have an event website, add a short FAQ: "Can I bring a plus-one?" and "Are children welcome?" with one-line answers. People who wouldn't dream of asking you directly will happily check a website at midnight.
A personalised invitation page makes this even clearer. With Every Gathering, each guest party gets its own page and PIN, listing exactly who's invited by name, so the RSVP form simply doesn't offer a seat that isn't there.
Replying to people who ask
Some people will ask anyway. Most aren't trying to be difficult. They genuinely aren't sure, or they're hoping. Reply quickly, kindly and without wavering.
"Can I bring my partner?"
I'm so sorry, we've had to keep numbers really tight so we're only able to invite partners we've met. We'd love to meet them properly another time though!
"Can I bring the kids?"
We totally understand it's tricky. We've decided to keep it adults-only for everyone, so we can't make exceptions, but we really hope you can make it work. Completely understand if not.
When someone RSVPs for more people than invited
Don't let it slide and hope. Contact them privately and promptly:
Thanks so much for replying! Just to check, we've only been able to invite you and Jamie this time, as numbers are limited. Hope that's okay — can't wait to see you both.
When someone says they won't come without them
It happens occasionally. Accept it gracefully. "We'll really miss you, and we completely understand" is all you need to say. Bending the rule for one person means you'll need to bend it for everyone.
A few small kindnesses
- Seat solo guests thoughtfully. Put them with people they know, or people you think they'll get on with.
- Help parents plan. If you're adults-only, mention nearby hotels so families can bring a babysitter or a grandparent along to stay.
- Make children feel welcome if they're invited. A simple activity pack or a kids' meal goes a long way.
One last thing
Nobody remembers the plus-one rule a year later. They remember whether you were kind about it. Be clear, be consistent, and say no warmly. That's all the etiquette you need.